Patricia Highsmith by Patricia Highsmith

Author:Patricia Highsmith
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Liveright
Published: 2021-10-13T00:00:00+00:00

May 5, 1950

A letter from Kathryn. A good one. Very good. She liked my post cards, letters, congratulates me on the movie. “You are neither an irrit[ation] or a distraction, but someone whom I feel very close . . .” Excoriating letter from Marc, telling me I cling to my disgusting, infantile sicknesses like as a little girl clings to a doll, ending “and let’s get married.”

5/5/50

To own a house is to stop in a way, in a way that I can’t as yet.

5/6/50

This won’t come again (some things I know, as I knew when I was twenty-three, and twenty-one, that the same sensations cannot be reduplicated because of the very age element), the sheeplike clouds on a pleasant evening in May, with the castle nearby, all black and dark and huge, where I shall work alone. And while my friends are leaving in the car. It is all pleasant, I welcome it, and I am not afraid, and yet love goes with them, the human voice, the touch of the flesh at all, and the possibility of something failing, some little thing, while the group goes out to get into the car, while one or all of us look for a place which sells newspapers after ten o’clock in the evening. No this will not come again, I standing in the dark driveway, lighting a cigarette to comfort me, while the automobile purrs away in the darkness. I staring to a different world and one which I love better. Living life I do mistrust, but friends and lovers one has always. One has always, at least, the remembrance of how the lovers were, which indeed is no different from the way the friends are. For I do project into friends the imaginative virtues, capabilities, which I project into lovers. Both are created. And a man does love by an illusion.

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